Nursery Rhymes are Sick

Today, I overheard a teacher teaching her class the classic "Humpty Dumpty" nursery rhyme, and after hearing that rhyme for all these years, yet not really processing what it was about, I have to say that I now know why humankind is the way it is. Observe:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

There are four lines in this little tale, and yes I have managed to find four things wrong with it.

First of all, who names a freaking egg? I mean, I can understand naming pets, naming stuffed animals, even naming goldfish...but you're in some serious denial if you attempt to personify a chicken egg that didn't make it.

Secondly, if you're gonna name the egg, fine. Do it. But Billy, or Bobby, or Henry might suffice. Humpty Dumpty? You really couldn't come up with anything better than that?

Problem three: Why in the world are the king's men (most likely high officials) trying to save...an egg? I mean come on. Aren't there more important things to do than getting the whole town to try to get this egg back together? I mean, if you care enough to name the stupid egg and hire an entire army to put the thing together, then you probably should not leave an oval object just sitting there on top of a high wall. Just using common sense here.

Problem four: Can someone please explain to me how in the WORLD giant horses with hooves could possibly have ANY success WHATSOEVER in pasting together some stinking egg shells? THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS. I mean no wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again! They are trying to use this:

To fix this:

Does anyone else see the catastrophe that this would be? You know what I think? I think this was all a conspiracy. The people of this town were probably angry about this pet egg of this lunatic king who 1) is terrible at picking out names, 2) seriously has entirely way too much time on his hands, and 3) clearly needs to see a doctor due to his extreme emotional attachments to inanimate objects. So they stole the thing, put it on top of their highest building, "accidentally" reached out their hand (probably while letting out a fake yawn), knocked this egg over, and then put together a fake rescue squad made entirely out of animals that would only be able to squash the thing into some black abyss, and then presented the egg carcass to the king who then resigned due to extreme emotional pain and mental illness.

Humpty Dumpty, you are now my biggest motivation in devoting my life to home schooling my future children.

Ways to get back at your brother

I am the second-born child in my family out of four, so needless to say, I have been able to be the stronger older sister for about fourteen wonderful, blissful years.

Unfortunately, when you have a brother, that joyful situation slowly starts to fade.

This is why I am writing this blog now, for all of the older sisters who happen to be reading. While you may not be able to beat him up anymore, below I have provided many different techniques for torturing ...reminding him that you are still the older, smarter sibling.

1. Throw something at him and run.
Now, don't get me wrong. This is not the best technique, and you have to have it planned out pretty well. You have to be able to either a) out run him or b) at least run to a place with a door and a lock. This is a risky situation that requires practice, and I do not claim responsibility for failed attempts. Also, I do not guarantee that when you finally do open the door he won't be waiting there with a bat. Just covering all bases. I don't need a lawsuit.

2.  Steal the ladder away after he climbs to something high.
This opportunity comes to you but once in a blue moon, so when you get the chance, take it. One time my brother was climbing up to the attic to get some Christmas decorations, and once he got up there, all I saw was an empty ladder, and feet hanging from the ceiling. Of course I stole the ladder and ran. His pride then got in the way when he attempted to get down without the ladder instead of begging for it back. I finally gave him the ladder after making him repeat many wonderful things about me.

3. Punch him in public.
He probably won't punch you back. If he does, scream. Loudly.

4. Go to his classroom and embarrass him.
One time I went to his school and asked his teacher if I could please embarrass my brother. She had no idea who I was. I had no idea who she was. Yet, she for some reason allowed me to make an announcement that I brought him that spare pair of underwear he had asked me for. My brother might've been mad at me, but I was able to resort back in time and finally claim the title of the most popular person in high school. Worth it? Absolutely.

In conclusion, readers, wits far outweigh strength, and there are many ways for you to still have victory over your brother without actually beating him up. All you need are witnesses, a locked door to escape to, and possibly a really, really good lawyer.

My Spam Mailbox

Let's not sugarcoat it. We all hate spam. We receive it in our regular mail, and we also get it in our email. I wouldn't be so mad if these companies would simply try to sell me their product by using truthful facts, but let's face it. These companies can be sneaky, deceitful, and just outright liars. Let's take a look at the spam folder in my gmail for just a few examples:

Really, Apple? Seriously? And just exactly who gave you this omnipotent knowledge to qualify you to make this decision? Are you telling me that an iPod touch is the PERFECT gift for any female on this planet who has ever given birth to a child? WHAT in the world is the correlation between mothers and technology? According to Apple's guarantee here, my 74-year-old grandmother is going to love her new iPod touch. I actually hope you do convince a thousand grandmothers to get an iPod touch, Apple. Your customer service representatives will have the time of their lives.

This one just makes me mad because they have terrible grammar. And they made my phone beep at 4:36am.

Now this one is really very interesting, Marion Felix. Fact 1) I am not a man. So thank you, but I am really not interested in ladies staring at me. Fact 2) I'm not sure how insecure you think the men you are sending this email to are, but speaking from a woman's perspective, I can honestly tell you that the watch a man is wearing does not in any way, shape, or form, determine if I want to date him. I am not even sure where you got such an idea. Maybe the shirt he's wearing could make him attractive. Maybe even the pants. But the watch? I've honestly never said, "Wow! Look at the wrist on that man!" Pick a different profession, Marion.

Okay. Now, I've heard of love at first sight, which is debatable on its own, but love at first instant message? If you can make someone fall in love with you by a couple of words you type to them, then that's some creepy talent you've got going for you there.

Wow, Justina J. I'm not sure who you are or why I even owe you this explanation, but what I really want to know is what the random letters stand for. That troubles me more than the stalkerish email itself.

Ipod touches for grandmothers, "flirtatious" watches, creepy instant message love confessions, and grammatically challenged stalkers wondering where I am. Praise the Lord for spam folders.

Reasons Ariel is Probably a Bad Influence

Let's face it. Little girls absolutely adore Disney princesses and many even one day hope to become one. I'm going to give you a couple of different reasons on why it is not always good to give glory to just any pretty princess you see on TV.

Top Reasons Why Ariel is a Bad Influence

1) She almost kills her best friend.
You can sugarcoat this any way you want, but Ariel starts the movie by completely peer-pressuring her friend Flounder into swimming around a dangerous boat area where a huge man-eating shark almost kills the both of them. Ariel has every opportunity to get away, but selfishly goes after her little purse instead. She finally causes the shark to get stuck and then giggles about the entire experience, while poor little Flounder clearly has to deal with the terrible side effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

2) She is a kleptomaniac.
Her dad's the king of the ocean and yet she's got a bedroom full of stolen items that she hides from her father. Seriously. The girl needs therapy. Or 5 to 10.

3) She disobeys her father.
I don't care if her dad is right or wrong in this situation. If she decides to turn into another species, run far away without so much as a word goodbye, dang near send her dad into cardiac arrest and send an entire search party on a wild goose chase to find her, she definitely has some control issues that she clearly needs to work out.

4) She plays gambling games with the devil.
Ariel sells her soul to gain a pair of legs, something that her dad clearly has the ability to give her anyway, yet chooses not to. There are obviously other effective methods in getting your way, I don't care how solid your dad seems to be on his decision. For example, if you merely threaten to sell your soul for all of eternity if your dad doesn't give you what you want, he'll probably comply. At least try that first, Ariel.

So basically, Ariel is a suicidal criminal who rebels against her dad and sells her soul to dark forces. Really, Disney? We've been promoting this character to small impressionable children since 1989? Oh, Disney. If we see an increase of maniacal, possessed, shoplifting women between the ages of 22-27, I am totally holding you accountable.

25 Facts

For the first time in a very long time, I am starting this blog off just completely and utterly at a loss for words.

As some of you know, I am a substitute teacher. And as most of you know, the primary two assignments for substitute teachers are to 1) Give the students pointless busywork so that they're occupied for 45 minutes and 2) Make sure they don't kill each other.

Well, the other day I substituted for a 9th grade science teacher who didn't know he was going to be out and I had to show them an "emergency video". I had them write 25 facts on this video so that I could assure the teacher that they actually watched it.

BIG MISTAKE.

I decided to root through these facts I collected and it was no doubt a very entertaining part of my day. Here are the top ten "facts" I found:

1. People use toads for magic.
2. Skunks smell...
3. Jellyfish sting
4. Scorpions sting
5. Snakes have no feet or hands
6. That's amazing!
7. That's amazing!
8. Some frogs can fly!
9. Poisonous jellyfish are under the sea
10. Rattlesnakes like to party.

Completely false statements: 3

Completely obvious statements: 5

Completely nonsensical statements: 2

So much for convincing the teacher that I actually showed them an informative video. I don't know how I can be so entertained yet so disappointed at the same time. Oh, public school system. You give me mixed emotions.

My Exciting Black Friday Adventure

Now, usually I don't like to go out on Black Friday. I usually like to stay home and let other people risk their lives buying presents for me wait for a safe time to find some good deals on Christmas gifts for my loved ones.

Well, this year I tried it.

I played a gambling game with my life.

And I think I won.

Here is a timeline of my entire morning.

3:30am - Alarm

3:40am - Wake the brother.
3:43am - Update Facebook Status

3:50am - Leave house.

4:15am - Arrive at RadioShack #1 in large town. Observe line of 8 people already formed.

4:16am - Take a poll of who wants to buy the $179.99 netbook.

4:17am - Find out that all 8 people would like to buy netbook.

4:27am - Discuss this with brother, decide to have me travel to RadioShack #2 in small town. Leave brother stranded at RadioShack #1.

4:47am - Arrive at RadioShack #2. No line. No cars. No signs of life.

4:50am - Very bored, text three people in hopes that one will respond.

4:53am - Friends one and two respond. Both are shopping.

4:54am - Friend three responds angrily. Not sure we are actually still friends.

5:11am - Large man arrives to wait in line behind me. My "fight or flight" instinct starts to kick in.

5:14am - Two more large men arrive to wait in line behind large man #1. Hold purse tighter, attempt to remember self defense techniques buried in the back of mind.

5:30am - Store opens. Netbook received.

5:35am - Credit card declined. Apparently the account automatically closes if you fail to use your card after one year. Tears start to form.

5:36am - RadioShack clerk notices tears, has an internal panic attack.

5:37am - RadioShack clerk #2 notices as well, offers to hold Netbook for me while I go get another card.

5:38am - On my way back to RadioShack #1 to pick up stranded brother and alternate credit card. 

5:58am - Arrive at RadioShack #1. Brother was unsuccessful. No netbook. Hear news that after I left, other unsuccessful customers waiting in line interrogated the brother until he admitted to them my netbook-buying strategy.

6:00am - Attempt to fight against battle of fleshly pride and lose. Repent.

6:20am - Arrive back at RadioShack #2. Netbook was held safely. Credit card #2 was successful. Clerk #1's heart rate seems to have returned back to a normal state.

6:33am - Arrive home. Eat bagel. Sleep.

9:32am - Wake up in bliss. 

In short, reader, I learned three things on this wonderful Black Friday:

1) It's not a bad idea to carry pepper spray. Just in case.

2) Crying will get you almost anything.

3) I never, ever, under any circumstances, want to see 3:30am ever again.

Happy Holidays!

Birds

Now, I know, I know. You're wondering how in the world I'm going to come up with an entertaining blog with the title being 'Birds'. I mean, what do they do? They fly around aimlessly and poop on things. Boring, right?

WRONG.

Reader, I'm going to explain to you right now why birds are one of the most mischievously hilarious animals that God has created, and thus are highly entertaining. Let me elaborate:

Reason 1: Birds fly around and poop on things.

I'm going to ask you one question. What other animal in the WORLD gets their kicks by flying way out of reach of humans and then proceeding to play an intense game of target practice on their heads? And they rarely ever miss! I mean, seriously. That's talent. And if that's not enough, they have this ability to create little poop portraits by turning your car into their own personal blank canvas. Artistic and mischievous? If that is not a vivid example of God's sense of humor, I don't know what is.

Reason 2: Birds are rebels.

Here's what I don't understand about birds: Why do they sit in the middle of the road while cars are driving around, and don't move until the LAST possible second? I mean, do they have something more important to do? Are they in the middle of a highly important bird convention in which they are discussing which human to target next on their poop-dropping game of terror? Possibly. But I think what they are all really doing is playing chicken with cars in dangerous highways. The birds are playing chicken. Rebellious and ironic. 

Reason 3: Birds fly into windows.

I don't care who you are. That's funny.