Nursery Rhymes are Sick

Today, I overheard a teacher teaching her class the classic "Humpty Dumpty" nursery rhyme, and after hearing that rhyme for all these years, yet not really processing what it was about, I have to say that I now know why humankind is the way it is. Observe:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

There are four lines in this little tale, and yes I have managed to find four things wrong with it.

First of all, who names a freaking egg? I mean, I can understand naming pets, naming stuffed animals, even naming goldfish...but you're in some serious denial if you attempt to personify a chicken egg that didn't make it.

Secondly, if you're gonna name the egg, fine. Do it. But Billy, or Bobby, or Henry might suffice. Humpty Dumpty? You really couldn't come up with anything better than that?

Problem three: Why in the world are the king's men (most likely high officials) trying to save...an egg? I mean come on. Aren't there more important things to do than getting the whole town to try to get this egg back together? I mean, if you care enough to name the stupid egg and hire an entire army to put the thing together, then you probably should not leave an oval object just sitting there on top of a high wall. Just using common sense here.

Problem four: Can someone please explain to me how in the WORLD giant horses with hooves could possibly have ANY success WHATSOEVER in pasting together some stinking egg shells? THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS. I mean no wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again! They are trying to use this:

To fix this:

Does anyone else see the catastrophe that this would be? You know what I think? I think this was all a conspiracy. The people of this town were probably angry about this pet egg of this lunatic king who 1) is terrible at picking out names, 2) seriously has entirely way too much time on his hands, and 3) clearly needs to see a doctor due to his extreme emotional attachments to inanimate objects. So they stole the thing, put it on top of their highest building, "accidentally" reached out their hand (probably while letting out a fake yawn), knocked this egg over, and then put together a fake rescue squad made entirely out of animals that would only be able to squash the thing into some black abyss, and then presented the egg carcass to the king who then resigned due to extreme emotional pain and mental illness.

Humpty Dumpty, you are now my biggest motivation in devoting my life to home schooling my future children.

Ways to get back at your brother

I am the second-born child in my family out of four, so needless to say, I have been able to be the stronger older sister for about fourteen wonderful, blissful years.

Unfortunately, when you have a brother, that joyful situation slowly starts to fade.

This is why I am writing this blog now, for all of the older sisters who happen to be reading. While you may not be able to beat him up anymore, below I have provided many different techniques for torturing ...reminding him that you are still the older, smarter sibling.

1. Throw something at him and run.
Now, don't get me wrong. This is not the best technique, and you have to have it planned out pretty well. You have to be able to either a) out run him or b) at least run to a place with a door and a lock. This is a risky situation that requires practice, and I do not claim responsibility for failed attempts. Also, I do not guarantee that when you finally do open the door he won't be waiting there with a bat. Just covering all bases. I don't need a lawsuit.

2.  Steal the ladder away after he climbs to something high.
This opportunity comes to you but once in a blue moon, so when you get the chance, take it. One time my brother was climbing up to the attic to get some Christmas decorations, and once he got up there, all I saw was an empty ladder, and feet hanging from the ceiling. Of course I stole the ladder and ran. His pride then got in the way when he attempted to get down without the ladder instead of begging for it back. I finally gave him the ladder after making him repeat many wonderful things about me.

3. Punch him in public.
He probably won't punch you back. If he does, scream. Loudly.

4. Go to his classroom and embarrass him.
One time I went to his school and asked his teacher if I could please embarrass my brother. She had no idea who I was. I had no idea who she was. Yet, she for some reason allowed me to make an announcement that I brought him that spare pair of underwear he had asked me for. My brother might've been mad at me, but I was able to resort back in time and finally claim the title of the most popular person in high school. Worth it? Absolutely.

In conclusion, readers, wits far outweigh strength, and there are many ways for you to still have victory over your brother without actually beating him up. All you need are witnesses, a locked door to escape to, and possibly a really, really good lawyer.

My Spam Mailbox

Let's not sugarcoat it. We all hate spam. We receive it in our regular mail, and we also get it in our email. I wouldn't be so mad if these companies would simply try to sell me their product by using truthful facts, but let's face it. These companies can be sneaky, deceitful, and just outright liars. Let's take a look at the spam folder in my gmail for just a few examples:

Really, Apple? Seriously? And just exactly who gave you this omnipotent knowledge to qualify you to make this decision? Are you telling me that an iPod touch is the PERFECT gift for any female on this planet who has ever given birth to a child? WHAT in the world is the correlation between mothers and technology? According to Apple's guarantee here, my 74-year-old grandmother is going to love her new iPod touch. I actually hope you do convince a thousand grandmothers to get an iPod touch, Apple. Your customer service representatives will have the time of their lives.

This one just makes me mad because they have terrible grammar. And they made my phone beep at 4:36am.

Now this one is really very interesting, Marion Felix. Fact 1) I am not a man. So thank you, but I am really not interested in ladies staring at me. Fact 2) I'm not sure how insecure you think the men you are sending this email to are, but speaking from a woman's perspective, I can honestly tell you that the watch a man is wearing does not in any way, shape, or form, determine if I want to date him. I am not even sure where you got such an idea. Maybe the shirt he's wearing could make him attractive. Maybe even the pants. But the watch? I've honestly never said, "Wow! Look at the wrist on that man!" Pick a different profession, Marion.

Okay. Now, I've heard of love at first sight, which is debatable on its own, but love at first instant message? If you can make someone fall in love with you by a couple of words you type to them, then that's some creepy talent you've got going for you there.

Wow, Justina J. I'm not sure who you are or why I even owe you this explanation, but what I really want to know is what the random letters stand for. That troubles me more than the stalkerish email itself.

Ipod touches for grandmothers, "flirtatious" watches, creepy instant message love confessions, and grammatically challenged stalkers wondering where I am. Praise the Lord for spam folders.

Reasons Ariel is Probably a Bad Influence

Let's face it. Little girls absolutely adore Disney princesses and many even one day hope to become one. I'm going to give you a couple of different reasons on why it is not always good to give glory to just any pretty princess you see on TV.

Top Reasons Why Ariel is a Bad Influence

1) She almost kills her best friend.
You can sugarcoat this any way you want, but Ariel starts the movie by completely peer-pressuring her friend Flounder into swimming around a dangerous boat area where a huge man-eating shark almost kills the both of them. Ariel has every opportunity to get away, but selfishly goes after her little purse instead. She finally causes the shark to get stuck and then giggles about the entire experience, while poor little Flounder clearly has to deal with the terrible side effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

2) She is a kleptomaniac.
Her dad's the king of the ocean and yet she's got a bedroom full of stolen items that she hides from her father. Seriously. The girl needs therapy. Or 5 to 10.

3) She disobeys her father.
I don't care if her dad is right or wrong in this situation. If she decides to turn into another species, run far away without so much as a word goodbye, dang near send her dad into cardiac arrest and send an entire search party on a wild goose chase to find her, she definitely has some control issues that she clearly needs to work out.

4) She plays gambling games with the devil.
Ariel sells her soul to gain a pair of legs, something that her dad clearly has the ability to give her anyway, yet chooses not to. There are obviously other effective methods in getting your way, I don't care how solid your dad seems to be on his decision. For example, if you merely threaten to sell your soul for all of eternity if your dad doesn't give you what you want, he'll probably comply. At least try that first, Ariel.

So basically, Ariel is a suicidal criminal who rebels against her dad and sells her soul to dark forces. Really, Disney? We've been promoting this character to small impressionable children since 1989? Oh, Disney. If we see an increase of maniacal, possessed, shoplifting women between the ages of 22-27, I am totally holding you accountable.