Nursery Rhymes are Sick

Today, I overheard a teacher teaching her class the classic "Humpty Dumpty" nursery rhyme, and after hearing that rhyme for all these years, yet not really processing what it was about, I have to say that I now know why humankind is the way it is. Observe:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

There are four lines in this little tale, and yes I have managed to find four things wrong with it.

First of all, who names a freaking egg? I mean, I can understand naming pets, naming stuffed animals, even naming goldfish...but you're in some serious denial if you attempt to personify a chicken egg that didn't make it.

Secondly, if you're gonna name the egg, fine. Do it. But Billy, or Bobby, or Henry might suffice. Humpty Dumpty? You really couldn't come up with anything better than that?

Problem three: Why in the world are the king's men (most likely high officials) trying to save...an egg? I mean come on. Aren't there more important things to do than getting the whole town to try to get this egg back together? I mean, if you care enough to name the stupid egg and hire an entire army to put the thing together, then you probably should not leave an oval object just sitting there on top of a high wall. Just using common sense here.

Problem four: Can someone please explain to me how in the WORLD giant horses with hooves could possibly have ANY success WHATSOEVER in pasting together some stinking egg shells? THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS. I mean no wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again! They are trying to use this:

To fix this:

Does anyone else see the catastrophe that this would be? You know what I think? I think this was all a conspiracy. The people of this town were probably angry about this pet egg of this lunatic king who 1) is terrible at picking out names, 2) seriously has entirely way too much time on his hands, and 3) clearly needs to see a doctor due to his extreme emotional attachments to inanimate objects. So they stole the thing, put it on top of their highest building, "accidentally" reached out their hand (probably while letting out a fake yawn), knocked this egg over, and then put together a fake rescue squad made entirely out of animals that would only be able to squash the thing into some black abyss, and then presented the egg carcass to the king who then resigned due to extreme emotional pain and mental illness.

Humpty Dumpty, you are now my biggest motivation in devoting my life to home schooling my future children.